My Election Manifesto

By any degree of the definition, I’m old now. I can’t tramp around the streets poking fun at damsels as I used to. That’s why I think I’m mature and more importantly suitable, enough to enter politics and smear myself with all the dirt and filth inherent to it. I do not hold an allegiance to any political party. Let me reiterate, I am neither for nor against any party that is functioning right now. Therefore be there an election, or not, I am prepared to contest any constituency, even if I were the sole candidate, in order to serve you, the public.

I do belong to the male party, but I like the female party better. However maybe because I’m yet unmarried I have no qualms or problems with any party. On the other hand my contest is not to win the constituency but purely to save the posted bail money. Hence, what I only ask from you is to vote most noble, heroic, patriotic me who is fearlessly coming forward in this election, pitying my poverty stricken benign self as the member representing your area, so that I will be placed somewhere I can not bother you. I promise to use all my determination to do good for you, as well as act along the following principles of my manifesto to combat this country.


Religion : Recognise every religion as a religion and give every citizen a certificate that they do belong to a religion. Further every religion will be socialised and the ability for one to hold a religion will entirely be taken over by the government.

Culture : Appoint a committee to investigate the real meaning of the word ‘culture’ and act on their recommendations to create a new ‘culture’.

Language : Will legally make provision for anyone to speak any language that they are comfortable with. As speaking any language for long, impacts performance at individual, office, and national level, will not recognize any language as the official language.

Constitution : Create a new constitution aiming for a Free – Imperialistic – United – Federal – Democratic – Autocratic – Socialist – Republic and preside over it for long even if not lawfully.

Public Democratic Right : Every one will have the right to breathe and live until they die.

Newspapers : Will have no restriction on publishing of newspapers, indeed proposals will be called for making this country the newspaper capitol of the world. Will also introduce taxes on the superfluous toilet paper industry, promoting the use of locally manufactured newspapers as a substitute. Concessions to be given for old newspaper collectors.

Foreign Affairs : Will not have any affairs with any country thus protecting the countries propriety and morality. Will also travel to all countries and spent my tenure outside Sri Lanka.

Internal Affairs : Will prepare a short term and long term economic policy, print it on a grand piece of polished parchment and distribute among all citizens thus solving all economic problems.

Inflation : Everybody will be taught how to stand upside down on their head and be shown
how the inflation rate is plummeting. Will decrease the prices of hair pins and nails by 0.03% and relieve the economic burden on the public.

Trade : As a punishment for black market traders will put them solely in charge of distributing essential goods to the whole country. Traders that run under a loss, will be taken over by the government.

Banking Sector : Save foreign exchange by privatizing the blood bank along with the eye bank. Will save money by refusing to honour overdue loans from the World Bank, UN etc.

Government Service : Will not waste time trying to remedy the wasteful lazy ways that has been ingrained at genetic level.

Agriculture : Will make every farmer self-reliant and import the remainder. Will uplift the poppy industry with technical assistance from Afghanistan.

Employment : Have mini-parliaments per every village and appoint by monthly election members from every household to the parliament. Further unemployed will be provided with jobs in the Ministry of Unemployment.

Education : Withhold all education activities temporarily until the unemployment problem is resolved. Unlike my unsuccessful predecessors, I will concentrate mainly on a National Contraception Policy as the answer to the year one admission problem.

Ayurvedic Medicine : Ban Western Medicine, and solve all illness and infirmities by the ubiquitous “kokatath thailaya”.

Housing : This problem will be housed in my second term. Until then temporary oil paper will be provided at a subsidized rate by the government.

Indian Problem : Will cancel the visa of all who had came to Sri Lanka from India after King Vijaya exempting all Europeans, who will receive honorary citizenship.

Bribing and Corruption : Enforce laws so that in the future no bribing or corruption will be discovered thus eliminating the problem.

Employment Benefits : Provide all unemployed people with a brochure on employment benefits.

Income Tax : To abolish the income tax will take means to make all citizens equally poor.

National Unity : Analyze blood of all nationalists and tell the citizens of their actual ancestral impurities. Inter-religious, inter-cultural marriages will be the only kind allowed.


Remember, my symbol is the coffin! Please don’t display your dislike of me by putting a cross in front of the coffin but do put a tick and give my coffin to me.